The session. Once a month beer bloggers from around the world take five minutes to all discuss a particular topic. This month the topic is “One beer to rule them all”. It was suggested by this months host, DrinkDrank. The brief was to describe an ultimate fantasy drink, reality not an issue.

OK, so what would my beer be like? Well, to start with it would be a man’s drink. Nothing poncy or pretentious. Something which can be drunk at the pub, with friends. I want this beer to be a drink which sits on the table looking up at people with great conversation and wit. A beer that is drunk with mirth. This is a beer for the good times. I want this to be a beer which has presence. Sitting on the table it almost joins in with the evening, it is part of the conversation, it almost has a personality of its own.

A thick, dark, slightly chewy brew with definite chocolate hints, but not a beer that is about chocolate, just a hint (this isn’t a dessert). I don’t want it to remind the drinker of coffee, that’s a drink for the morning, this should be a drink for the evening. This would certainly not be a drink which is fizzy, indeed little to no carbonation at all. I want this beer to suit a winters evening, a beer that is refreshing and at the same time warming. It should be as comforting as the crackling log fire, next to which you would want to drink this beer.

Around 4%, allowing a drink which can be drunk in more than a thimbleful. Infact it should be served in an oversized glass tankard of at least a pint, preferably a quart. Glass, so that the world can see that you’re not drinking some terrible american larger, this is a beverage you should be proud to drink. To look at, the beer needs to be nearly black. Hard to see through, with a silvery head which gives the drink a mystical look about it. I want the head to settle to a perfectly flat almost as soon as the glass is put on the table, with no wobbling around. Saying this I don’t want a massive head, I want fluffy and thick, not smooth, and only about half an inch thick.

Part of me wants to take the anything goes part of the brief and then say “and on top of all that it’s completely healthy, makes you lose weight and you never get too drunk”, but I won’t say that because after all isn’t there a secret part of all of us that like the guilty pleasure part of drinking beer, knowing that it’s not good for you. After all, if they told the people to switch to beer when they joined weight-watchers then who would want to drink it?

It also said in the brief that I’d have to give my perfect pint a name. Can there be any other name for anything which is completely perfect? My beer would simply be called… “GOD.” This is a beer which is going to be well known and loved. It doesn’t need a flash ad campaign.The pump clip need only bear its name, no pictures, no comedy cartoons, not even colour and patterns, just white writing on a black background, with a full stop, this is the god of beers… end of.